The pressure to save God's face.

When something unusual such as a sickness or a financial struggle hits us, my wife says, she feel hesitant to express her true feelings to others, especially to those who think that we are a kind of 'weird' Christians. She, in a funny way said, she feel pressured to save God's face. In other words, she don't want to face people's "where is your faithful God?" question. I too struggle with this. I am afraid to be vulnerable and real with those who really don't know where I stand in my spiritual life; to those who don't know that I too have struggles.

Our son (2.5 yrs old) has Vitiligo and it has become very visible and noticeable on his face in past few months. People have started asking about it. Medical Science considers this as a condition passed through hereditary but as far as we know there isn't anyone in our family history who had this disease. So, we don't know why our son. Humans haven't discovered any real cure for this disease. This is a very unique illness which can have a very difficult emotional and psychological impact on the patient as well as on his/her family. We are not afraid of this and we are doing everything we can in terms of finding alternative medicines etc and hoping and praying that God would heal him. But the healing hasn't happened yet, in the mean time we are faced with questions. I can foresee some questions coming in our way challenging our faith even.

My wife says, she is afraid to express her concerns about this to someone because what if they think that she has no hope and faith? How can she send a paradoxical message that she has hope in Jesus but at the same time worried about her son? Who would buy such a fragile hope? Though I haven't really put my thoughts into words like her, I too kind of feel the same way. Most of our relatives are very very religious but have no clue what Jesus, grace or faith means to us, and have a notion about us that we are deceived in our spiritual life by removing ourselves from the traditional family religions (Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy). It wouldn't surprise me if they even blame our leaving from the church is the cause of our troubles.

Do we need to save God's face from their accusations? We restrain our struggles from them in an effort to not to give them a chance to criticize our God and faith.

I told my wife, don't be afraid to be a fool. Don't be afraid to chock up and cry, if needed. We live by FAITH and faith is not faith if we know everything. Faith is not faith if we have answers for all our questions. When Bible says 'now we see but a poor reflection in a mirror', that's something to think about. It is this fact what underlines the significant principle of faith. The next statement says it, 'And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.' We need faith and hope now and here, but then, as we live with Him in eternity, the necessity of faith and hope are fulfilled and the greatest thing, love, reigns for ever.

Now, faith cannot be lively when we are rigid, insensitive and stagnant.

There is something farmers do before they cultivate any crops in the ground. They will till the ground by plowing and harrowing. Some use a tiller to disrupt the smooth ground and make it uneven, messy and irregular. My Dad used to own oxen and he used those animals to do the tilling in our farm. This was before today's industrialization.

The seed wouldn't grow well in a smooth rigid ground. The roots have to travel deep into the soil and for that the soil has to be vulnerable, sensitive and wounded. Only plowed soil can respond well to a growing seed.

The fear to be messy is rooted in my fleshly ambition to be "a good guy", "a perfect spiritual person" or more like a "religious showinist".

There is mess in our life here on earth whether we admit or not. It happens when our worldly securities are shaken and challenged. Then, faith comes in. Jesus talked about child like faith. A child would cry when he fall, but he will eventually stop as he is held tight. It is the faith what sanctions us to be in a muddle but at the same time allow our loving Father to held us tight until our whining silences.

I think it's okay to cry, to be vulnerable, to be confused, to have unanswered questions, to be an object of ridicule, to have faith which is hard to explain to others, to have hope which is meaningless to many, ... and if necessary, to be a fool to others.

Questions, questions, questions,...

“Papa, why Jesus died?” My daughter, with all her 4 year old curiosity and innocence asked me with a serious sounding voice while I was driving her to school one day. Usually such questions arise when she sees a cross on a church building. She knows Jesus died on a cross and for some reason she thinks Jesus died on all the crosses on all the churches! She would say, “Papa, look at that cross, that’s were Jesus died”. Once my wife tried to explain to her [in vain], “Look, that’s not where Jesus died, that’s just another cross like the one where Jesus actually died once”. "Mommy, but... but.. but Jesus died on the cross".

Anyways, when she asked “why Jesus died”, my quick answer was “to save us” (my learned answer). “But WHHHHHYYYYYY?” she blurted out the tougher one in a much louder voice. Now I thought she is really serious and I felt glad about it. As her Dad, I always look for opportunities to tell her about God in general and Jesus in particular (Secretly thinking that I can make her love Jesus in a very early age!). Here, I thought this is the best opportunity to explain to her the reason for Jesus’s death. It’s quite hard for a 32 year old guy to think like 4 year old. In my mind, I tried to simplify my answer the best I can but still wasn’t satisfied. Then I immediately thought it may not still make sense to her, so let me try something different, I said, “though He died, He woke up on the third day!”. While trying to take a breath of relief after giving my ‘smart’ answer, here comes the next question, “But, why did bad people kill Him?”. Ah… I said, “because they didn’t like Him”. “Jesus was good right?”. “YES”, “Then, why bad people kill good people?”. She continued mercilessly. She kept on asking so many questions without waiting for my hard worked answers.

At this point, I realized one thing (a huge thing): My answers are irrelevant to her! She is not so much interested in hearing my theologically formulated, politically-correct answers; rather she is interested only in asking a whole lot of questions. All she wants is my acknowledgment to her questions, not necessarily the right answers. That’s the way she get in touch with a lot of realities in life: by asking questions! A lot of them!

Asking questions without any apology is the sweet, essential characteristic of childhood. We all have asked several questions to our parents, most of them inconvenient and uncomfortable. But that’s how we learned. What if our parents would have ignored such questions? What if they have discouraged us from asking questions? It would have certainly impacted our personality. To be honest, I just don’t have answers to all my daughter’s questions. Not so much that I don’t know the answer, but I don’t know how to explain to her in a way that it is comprehensible to her. But I will certainly still encourage her to ask more and I make sure she is comfortable to ask me any questions. It is a matter of intimacy in a relationship and it also contributes to the development of a creative mind.

As we all grew older, somewhere along the line as we evolved into a more sophisticated, tamed beings, we (tragically) stopped asking questions. We stopped exploring. We learned to suppress our curiosity. We learned to keep quite while still struggling inside. And we called it ‘maturity’.

When Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”, He meant something. His kingdom is of the innocent. His kingdom is of the ones who ask questions. He promoted challenging questions. He satisfied the curiosity of Thomas in a fascinating way. He Himself asked tough questions. He answered them as well. He also left some unanswered.

When did Christian life become pursuing answers, instead of pursuing questions? When did we lose our innocence in asking questions? Why are we in a hurry to make everything so predictable and answerable? Isn’t the “Mystery” (Christ in you) supposed to be a mystery, always?

In mystery, there are more questions than answers and it is absolutely alright. Finding the treasures hidden in Christ involves asking the tough, uncomfortable questions. If we are not asking, there are only two reasons for it: 1. we are acting as if we know all the answers. 2. we are fearful.

Religion (the 'unquestionable' authority), never ever promotes asking questions. They are afraid of them. But Jesus is not. He welcomes our questions. He acknowledges it. He loves it! Religion suppresses it. It oppresses the questioners. Because it act as find-all-answers-encyclopedia. (Remember Pharisees of Jesus' time. They were the people who 'knew' everything)

I left the church(religion) wounded emotionally and spiritually. The reason for my leaving was nothing but asking some questions. Now, thankfully Jesus is healing those wounds. Though I physically left church couple of years ago I never left it from my heart until recently. Now, within me, I am done with it. I am not talking about the church Jesus is building, which He said the gates of hell will not prevail against. I am saying, I left the ruined, enterprised, institutionalized, people ruling, buildings of caged ‘animals’. Such buildings give me an awkward, insensitive, motionless feeling and I hate that. There is no room for mystery. There is no unpredictability. There is no wild abandon. Nothing. But bunch of well-domesticated, lifeless, ‘all knowing’ hypocrites.

I want to reclaim childlike faith. That is the desire of my heart. I find it difficult, challenging and often times risky. I am nowhere near! As the thoughts comes into my mind about abandoning everything, all my comforts for pursuing this , it sends a shiver through my body. Career? Money? Others expectations? Secured future? Home?

"and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him."

Aaah....

"Jesus, How is this possible?"