Approval addiction - signs

One of the areas in my life I have been seeing a great deal of difference is the area of my need for approval from others. I lived a life of approval addiction for many years starting from my school days. One of the ways I dealt with this issue was by being extremely ‘nice’ to others, suppressing my own opinions (though I had opinions) many time due to the fear of rejection. Sometime during my life I have learned to cop with my need to be loved and accepted by pleasing others and there by inviting their approval and love. I lacked true character and integrity and I was driven by this deep fear inside me that people would reject me if I don’t live up to their expectations. During my college days I started smoking and drinking alcohol and tried to do some ‘heroic’ things to attract and keep friendship with the ‘like minded’ batch mates. It was my phony attempts to be a ‘cool’ guy. I wasn’t living a life of mine but the life of the impostor in me. Needless to say that none of it really fulfilled my need of approval, love and acceptance; but I wasn’t ready to give up.

These are some of the signs of approval addiction (based on my observation):

• Heroism
• Workaholicsm
• Obsession with the looks - body/outfits etc
• Pity party
• Sentimentalism
• People pleasing
• Acquiring knowledge – to bluff
• Developing unlikely skills – to show off
• Imitating others (movie stars and other celebrities)
• Acting ‘cool’.
• Unwillingness to say ‘No’ to others.
• Perfectionism.
  
• Being philosophical but denying religion.
• Psycho acts – making wounds on their own body etc
• Body piercing, tattoos and other body decorations and alterations
  

As I continued my journey in life, the next thing I tried was religion, thinking thats what I was missing in life to have the need for fulfillment. In the religious world, it didn't take much time to figure out that there is no difference and I suspect the cancer of approval addiction is much more evident and worse there. There, we see people diligently looking for other’s (and God’s) approval and fight for important positions in church, sometimes in much worser ways than the secular world. The performance-based religion is nothing but a group of such people. The need to please others comes from our own insecurity, which could be the result of our past physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. People cop with such past wounds in different ways – being ‘nice’, being ‘tough’, substance abuse, self pity, self exaltation, religious etc.

These are some of the signs of approval addiction in the religious world (based on my observation):

• Self righteousness and personal exaltation
• Church activities
• Struggling for positions in church
• Fasting, public prayers, bumper stickers and other public displays of spirituality
• Judging others
• Control and manipulation
• Perfectionism
  
• False humility
• Self pity – to attract other’s attention
• Public charity works
• Acquiring theological/biblical knowledge – to show off
• Seeking sinless perfection, hypocrisy
• Being extremely ‘nice’ to others
• Forming/following false doctrines, cults etc
• Seeking extra biblical revelations/prophecy
  
• Seeking and/or misusing supernatural gifts

Most of us have a healthy need for appreciation from time to time. However, some of us require constant approval from peers, parents, children, friends, church members, pastors, bloggers, superiors, and co-workers. This never-ending desire for human approval can constantly disappoint us and as a result we might live the life of an impostor, trying hard to please others around us (in vain).

In my own life, I have treated my wife differently based on who is around us. For example if my parents are at home, I try to be more tough and serious towards her because I fear if my parents would mistake me as a henpecker if I treat her so nice! This incident convinces me that the issue of approval addiction is a very deep and dangerous problem which can control us and hinder us from living an authentic, real life. Well, God is doing a tremendous work in that area of my life and this post and the following post where I would discuss the root cause of the approval addiction and the solutions based on God’s Word, are my attempt to share what He has done in my own life.

Do we need another Luther?

Catholicism restricted the authority to interpret Scriptures to the clergy of their church and pretty much oppressed those who tried to interpret. It required a Luther to be born and used by God to break that bondage to some extend and as a result, the sect called Protestants originated. It was considered as a radical revolution and indeed it was. Now, within the Protestantism, we are in a situation where we need another Luther (or many such kinds) to take the authority to interpret Scripture from the clergy of Protestant churches and denominations to the individuals through the revelation from Holy Spirit. When I challenged some of the teachings of a particular church I attended in past, I have been handed over with some printouts of ’16 fundamental truths we believe’ from their denomination’s website. It was almost like a blow on my face, telling me to accept these ‘16’ things or keep your mouth shut. There was not even a room for sincere discussion or expression of concerns. Pastor clearly conveyed to me that he is dedicated and authorized to strictly follow the teachings of ‘their’ church and used many hours of his preaching to bash me from the pulpit (which in my opinion was a one-way-speech, in other words – cowardice).

This is my question: What is the significance of Holy Spirit in the lives of individual believers? How we (Protestants) are different from Catholics if we do not let the individuals freely depend on Holy Spirit for any revelations from the Scripture? Does Jesus save individuals or institutions? Who invented the practice of ‘ordination’? And what does it mean? ‘Ordained’ to do what?

Worship - Personal or Corporate?

Darin Hufford has written an excellent article (in my opinion) on the issue of worship in today's churches. You can read the full article here. Here are some of the comments he made in the article (It may sound outrageous, but I would encourage you to read the entire article, especially if you have ever struggled with the charismatic style of worship):

[Thanks to Aida for recommending this. I have always wrestled with the kind of worship I have seen in my past church experiences]

New Testament worship is actually a "consummation" of a marriage relationship between the individual and God. In other words, it is not a corporate event, and for Heaven sakes we don't need a leader! Could you imagine if I were to allow a man to enter my wife's and my bedroom with a megaphone, stand over our marriage bed and give us directions?

We have learned to market worship singers in very much the same way that the world markets porn stars. The more expressive and loud (and attractive) they are, the better chances they have at being "on the team." We take pictures of people in personal moments of worship to the Father and use them to advertise our church and worship albums. If we think any part of this is acceptable, we are sadly mistaken.

When your worship leader tells you that it is his job to "lead you to the throne of God" with his worship leading skills, he is telling you that Christ's death and resurrection didn't do the job.

For many people, their so call "addiction to worship" were they sob and cry in a fit of ecstasy during the dimly lit song service is nothing more than a spiritual masturbation habit.

I am not suggesting that getting emotional during worship is bad, however I am suggesting that when getting emotional BECOMES worship, it is very very bad!When the experience becomes about finding gratification for yourself, rather than connecting to the Father, it's time to take another look at what you call worship.

"You have a bad card"

“You have a bad card, Sir”. When I heard that from the local Sam’s club cashier, I was busy emptying the shopping cart into the conveyor belt at the checkout counter. Without hiding the shock on my face I turned and asked in disbelief, “What?”. He said, “Your membership card is bad, the computer is not accepting it”. It was on a Saturday, I spent almost 2 hours going around the store picking up all the stuff as per the list given by my wife. To me, that 2 hours spent was very precious because I took it out of my time with kids at home. As I stood there, the cashier re-swiped the card and made sure what he saw on the screen was right. As we continued the conversation the line behind me started piling up and all he wanted to do was to get rid of me. The manager of the store came by seeing the ‘commotion’ and took my card to his computer and returned with a dull face, came very close to me and told, “There was a problem with your card in another Sam’s club, you need to go there and dispute with them to take the block out. We have no much detail here” and he gave me the card back with a “sorry” at the end and that ended my 2 hours effort in vain.

I entered the store 2 hours earlier as a ‘proud member since 2001’ and spent some valuable time picking up the stuff needed at home for the next 2 weeks; but now I am leaving the store empty handed, disappointed, humiliated and angry. As I was driving home my helplessness on the situation was so evident in my emotions afterward. It didn’t matter how much stuff I had in my cart; it didn’t matter how much time I spent filling the cart; it didn’t matter how desperately we needed diapers at home for my 2 year old son; it didn’t matter anything to the store. All they cared was a ‘right’ card.

This incident reminded me of the ‘religious works’ we try to do in an assumption that we have the right ‘card’ in our wallet. It is so easy to get busy filling up cart, earning points, running around, abandoning time with loved ones, totally forgetting the fact that all these matters only if we have the right card - Jesus - in us.

Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' That’s exactly what the cashier told me, ‘depart, we don’t recognize you as a member’.

Do we know Him and does He know us, is the only thing what matters and nothing else! Whatever we accomplish in the energy of our flesh during our lifetime here on earth will have no value in the final analysis. The saddest thing is that if we wait till the time of 'check-out' it will be too late. It doesn’t matter how much sacrifice it may involve, or how great our enthusiasm or our sincerity in doing it. It is so easy to fall into the trap of busyness in the name of evangelism, mission, charity and church activities, but if it is not Christ who is accomplishing it through us, it is all nothing but ‘filthy rags’.

Major Ian Thomas once said:

As far as God is concerned, Christ is the preacher, Christ is the missionary, Christ is the Christian Worker, Christ is the witnessing Christian. Only what He is and what He does is righteousness - and what He is and what He does is released through you only by your attitude of dependence. This is called faith - and “whatsoever is not of faith is sin”

As I have tried desperately in the past to duplicate His work, I lost contentment in life and always looked for some 'work' to fill up my emptiness. I became workaholic and used the works I do to hide my true self from others. I could never be honest and authentic in my personality as I was trying to 'please God' and earn points.

The Major went on saying this:

This is the curse of Christendom! This is what paralyzes the activity of the church of Jesus Christ on earth today! In defiance of God’s Word, God’s mind, God’s will, and God’s judgement, men everywhere are prepared to dedicate to God what God condemns – the energy of the flesh!

I could accomplish nothing in my energy; If I could, why would the God of the universe stepped out of eternity, came down to live in me? What is the significance of his indwelling? Let's learn to being held by Him, lets not wiggle as He tries to hold us securely in His hands, lets not try to grasp the mysteries of godliness with our high IQ, education and training. Is living as a mere branch too simple for us? Are we too sophisticated and educated that we came to a point that we could do the works of God with our education, technology and planning?

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him - Colossians 2:6. We received Him by faith and we want to continue to live in Him by faith and thats pretty the Christian life is all about. It is supposedly simple, easy and light and may be thats the reason Jesus instructed us to learn something from the little children.