Monday, April 7, 2008

The life of an impostor

Sometimes I still have to try desperately to convince myself that God loves me just as I am. Yes, all the doctrines are there to help me. But beyond the lifelessness of doctrines, I want the love of Jesus to be real. I admit I am an impostor in this world, acting different roles to different people. I have one face at home, another one at work. There is nothing in this world, which would let me be just myself. I have a desperate need deep inside my heart to be loved, which would be the only thing brings fulfillment and true purpose to my life. I am a poser to the world, but I don't want to be one to my Lord. I don't want to make any false claims that I know everything about His grace and unconditional love. The truth is I still have no clue what it really really means. It takes more than a lifetime to figure out the love of Jesus. I know it is true and I am convinced that it is there, but I just don't get my hands around it most of my life.

I started the life of an impostor the day on which I was born. I showed the sings of it by crying when I was hungry. I started learning to ‘consume’ from the very first day of my life. Life taught me how to pose myself to different type of audience. I acted as a 'nice' student to earn the love of my teachers, I acted as a 'cool' guy to earn the love of my friends, I lied and exaggerated my skills to the employer to get a job; I posed as if I knew everything about the tools and skills needed to do my job and succeeded to win his approval. I did everything I can in my strength to impress the girl I met to earn her as my wife. I posed as if I am the biggest lover in the world and was quite successful in convincing her. Each success of my poser encouraged me to pose more. I could never be just myself, I always felt that the true ‘me’ wouldn't fit anywhere in this world. Nothing in this world, regardless of my posing and acting filled the hollowness and emptiness in my heart. Nothing! But I feared that, if I stop acting I cease to exist.

After becoming a Christian I became a religious impostor, acting holy and ‘nice’. Not even a single person whom I came across during the span of life thus far taught me to be authentic and real. What a stressful life to live! I tried to produce smile on my naturally smile-less face and failed. I tried to ‘be in peace’ in my naturally restless mind and utterly failed. I tried to suppress my anger to make my loved ones around me feel good, but failed miserably. Why did I try those? To earn love of others! What other proof do we need that there is a deep necessity of love in human heart? That’s the deep cry of a human soul - to be loved by somebody. They will go to any extend to earn it. The fake nature of humanity is exposed (but suppressed) in the pursuit of love. The life of a people pleaser is quite an ugly life. During the course of my life in this world, every fiber in my body learned to present myself in ‘nice’ package to the world to be accepted by it. I can never, ever be myself at my work place. I can never, ever be myself at home. I can never, ever be myself at church. It is a long journey started by trying to please my parents, then my friends, then teachers, boss, co-workers, pastor, church members, spouse, kids and it will continue till the day I die still wondering whether I really pleased any of them! The entire world is dancing around me, trying to consume everything from me, in the middle I am standing desperately unable to provide what they need. On the other hand, I play the same role of consumer to others looking for love, acceptance and approval from them. And so far none could fulfill it.

"Do you really know how much God loves you?" No, I still don’t. I know He loves me but I haven’t figured the depth of it. If I did, why the impostor is still active in me?
Why am I silent when I see injustice right in front of my eyes? Why is it still a struggle for me to say ‘no’ to others? Why I am tempted to exaggerate my resume?
God can’t do anything about the impostor, because it is a ‘false self’. It is not there in reality but I am haunted by the strength of that nonexistent being. How strange is that? When will I be truly truly free? I am almost losing my hope that it is going to happen during my life in this world. I know there is nothing hidden to God, but there are a whole lot of things hidden to others. Who I am afraid of? The impostor?

Jesus, thank you for making me a new creation. Now, teach me to live as one. Teach me to be faithful to that new being. I still don’t know how much you truly love me and as a workaround I drag this impostor all along with me all the time. The only solution to get rid of this poser is to know how much you truly love me. I want to settle on the issue of your love not just in theory but in true life. I can’t do it. So do it for me. Impress your love in my heart in a convincing way so that I can take the pressure of the poser off of my head and live a free life as you intended. I am tasting it little by little like a dog drinking from the ocean, but its not enough to get rid of the false self. I tried to find a solution in the religious world but that was the place where I met some of the biggest impostors in my life. I just don't want to be one of them. I want to run as fast as I can into your arms and know for sure that I am loved and totally accepted in my sinfulness, weaknesses and all the negatives in me. You are the one who made me as a brand new being, clothed me with your righteousness and seated me with you in the heveanlies, now I want to live that life here on earth as a true restored human, expressing your love, encouraging others to see the life on the other side of the impostor in them.

3 comments:

Matthew said...

Brother,

you described exactly what I experience so many times. I understand God's love in theory, but it's so difficult to grasp. I get the idea of resting in Him and His love for me in theory, but in reality, it is much more complicated.

I know exactly what you mean being a different person to different people. There are times I hate thinking about myself because whenever I view myself in front of people, I seem like I'm a chameleon.

I guess the most difficult thing for me to believe is the God is never bored or tired of me and my constant stupidity. I do not exaggerate when I say constant. Not in the least.

I don't understand His love. I can't grasp it. "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me. It is high. I cannot attain it."

Joel Brueseke said...

Great post and comments! I can surely relate to so much of it. I've got to get to bed but I'll try to come back later tomorrow.

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For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height — to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Eph 3:14-21

Nicole said...

Your post touched me deeply Bino...

I have felt the same as you and know where you are coming from, in depth, my life mask (imposter) experience is a little different than yours, but, looking back and in recent days too, I am still taking off the layers of the imposter mask. That ugly-always changeing for others to win approvel shield. I always thought, that if they only knew who I really was, they wouldn't give me the time of day... Through all of it, there are now layers upon layers of pain that are stuck to my heart that are hard to peel off. Now, I am just tired, tired of yielding and playing fake to win others approvel. I see myself do this at work. I work harder to get noticed and do extra things to win praises, when in my heart, I am suffering and am left empty. I don't want to care so much, do so much just for that. I want to sincerely be who I am for who I am in Father. My approval and reflection I see when I look in the mirror should be Father and who he has made me to be, not a mask of who I'm not... I have thought about this subject several times and come to realize that, no matter what, and at the end of the day, or even the end of my life, I want to reflect on Father's face and His love I have been living in.

I also think that becoming completely and uttering drenched in Fathers love and becoming transparent and real doesn't happen over night. I have started seeing changes in my heart and in my mind, but this transformation is still in process. It takes some time, and with that I am soaking up everything I can in this amazing learning experience to become who I am created to be, and learning to just be me, even if I haven't completely figured this out!

Wow. Sorry this was so long! I guess I had a lot on my heart I had to spill!

Love and Freedom, Nicole!