Saturday, March 1, 2008

A personal note...

I would like to warn those who are looking for a boost for their faith or encouragement in their Christian walk. This more likely is not going to do it for you. Here are few things about me...

1. I have struggle with compulsive eating and over eating once in a while.

2. I am very emotional in nature. I like to watch emotionally touching movies just by myself so that my wife wouldn't see me wiping my tears.

3. I am very self conscious. I get too conscious when I eat with my co-workers, so I go to my car to eat my lunch.

4. I have stolen money from my Dad's drawer to buy goodies while I was in school.

5. I have sneaked out of my home in the name of attending youth bible study and prayer meeting during my teenage days just to enjoy some freedom outside.

6. I literally hate legalists and self righteous and often angry at them.

7. I like to see the church which I left splitting, losing its members and destroying.

8. I have a very bad perfectionist spirit that I want everything in order all the time at home.

9. I am very selfish that I push my kids to sleep sooner so that I can read books.

10. I let my wife go shopping by her own so that I can just stay back home and relax.

11. I have often lied to my boss with excuses when I couldn't meet certain deadlines.

12. I act holy and righteous in front of my unsaved friends and relatives.

13. I haven't read the entire Bible from beginning to end, even once.

14. I have a fear of seeing blood. Once I passed out when a nurse drew blood from my hand for regular physicals.

15. I have hospital phobia. Once I felt dizzy and nauseated seeing the many tubes connected to my grand mother when I visited her in ICU.

16. I have a fear of heights. I hate any rides such as roller coaster, ferry wheel etc

17. I get panicked when certain things happen in life. My wife has told me that I am very weak emotionally that I couldn't handle any crisis in life.

18. For the last 8 years I have been trying to lose 10 pounds of my weight and so far no success not matter how much I work out or diet.

19. I always twist any conversations my wife starts with me into criticizing religion and venting out my frustrations.

20. Some of the ugliest thoughts I ever had were during the time of Bible study.

21. I feel depressed on Sunday evenings.

I could still go on. Evidently, I am a selfish, arrogant, not-too-good-to-be-around, weak, over weight, some times depressed person. The reason I write this is because I have a desire in my heart to put down any religious mask I often wear. I know deep in my heart that Jesus loves me for who I am and I think that is the only positive, ever lasting, unchangeable thing in my life.

10 comments:

Daelon said...

This is awesome!!! Not that you have problems, but that you openly admit them.

What makes me stressed out when I'm around other Christians is that they seem to have it all together with little to no problems. I can't stand being around someone like that. I need real people like you so I can figure out who I am in Christ by being free to be clumsy, making mistakes and being messy.

Some of these things made me chuckle because I do the exact same things.

Thank God Jesus loves us freely!!!

Nicole's Godblog said...

You know, it is so easy going on in life faking a front to everyone outside of 'your' house or with the doors closed, but what I love about this is, you are not alone, and most of what you listed, I too, struggle with. I, of course have my own list of problems and I am sure everyone does, but you know what, the good news is, Father doesn't keep score, He doesn't have us on a tracking bases, but, He just loves us with all of our problems and it doesn't matter to Him what those problems are! Thank you Bino, for being amazingly organic with us on your blog! It goes to show that there real Brothers and Sisters out there who don't really care what others think about them. I love that!

Thank you Bino!

In Freedom, Nicole!

Joel Brueseke said...

Well, my brother, you'd better just get yourself into a Bible-believing church and get yourself a covering and get yourself some accountability and get yourself whipped into shape! :) Haha!

But truly, if I were to point my finger at you for various things that you've said here, I'd find three fingers pointing back at myself. And we could really get a club going. Only, people don't really want to join that kind of club. They'd rather just deny their various shortcomings and act as if all is as perfect as can be!

And the other sad and sorry thing is that there are a lot of people who would hear you say the things you say, and they would deny the truth about you - You are forgiven holy, righteous and justified. You are a new creation and God is at work in you, to will and to do according to His good purpose. He has begun a good work in you, and He will carry it to completion.

We just can't expect too many people in the church to agree with us on that - even though everyone's list is just as long, and even longer than yours and mine. But Praise be to God who meets us in our humility and weakness and gives us His strength.

Bino B. Manjasseril said...

Thank you Matthew, Nicole and Joel!

lydia joy said...

Wow, letting it all hang out, huh:) No, really, your transparency is admirable. I happen to be a mess myself....
But I happen to believe by your posts on here that you have great faith and God looks at the heart, he searches for the pure in heart...you may not be externally pure looking, like those white-washed tomb Pharisees, but I get the sense your heart is purely in love with God and with His grace and His Gospel, and that is what matters most my friend!!!

Bino B. Manjasseril said...

Well, it wasn't that easy for me to do this. Being an introvert, it is not 'my' nature to be transparent. Bible says, what matters is faith expressing itself through love and it doesn't matter how mess I am or problem-free I am. Where did we even get the idea that Christians are 'problem-free'? Jesus said, you will have trouble in this world. But, then He said, He will work out everything for good. I am learning to trust Him, nothing else and He hasn't given up on teaching me...
Well, Isn't that all about walking this walk?

Thank you for your encouragement!

bob said...

Hello Bino

Well, I hate to have to tell you this but I am perfect, have no problems and don't know why all you Christians can't get your act together. Just read your Bible more, pray more and work harder at being a good Christian - just like me.


HaHa! Did I have you fooled?

Thanks for yet another awesome post brother. What you're trying to say is that you are just like everybody else in the world. Some of us have different lists than yours, but we all have lists.

God doesn't care about your list (in the sense of any wrong or sin).
What He does care about your list is that you depend on Him moment-by-moment to live His life in and through you, AS YOU. Oh yeah, you're allowed to mess up.

I mentioned in a blog comment yesterday (Ragamuffin Ramblings)that our Christianity is not based on our performance (how we act, what we do or even what we think) but is based on the finished work of Jesus on the Cross.

As for your warning about boosting faith and encouraging, you have done that for every person (who is seeking God) who reads your post.

Thanks for being Bino.

Being Bob
Bob

Aida said...

Bino, I admire your courage in being so transparent. I'm not there yet. Not that I don't have my own set of problems because I definitely do. Like everyone else, I saw several on your list that made me say, "Yeah! Me too."

I think what Matthew made a good point. If we can't be real with people and admit our faults, then they can't relate to us and, if they can't relate to us, they'll tend to close themselves off from anything we might say.

Although the work of salvation has already been done on the inside, it takes time for it to show up on the outside. Like Nicki reminded us, I'm glad Daddy doesn't keep score otherwise I'd be in big trouble.

Aida

Bino B. Manjasseril said...

Bob,

Isn't that a big relief to know that we are allowed to mess up?
There is such a wonderful truth in Paul's saying that he will boast in his weakness. If we are not weak, why do we need Jesus? I think, the people who boast in their discipline, act of holiness, principles etc would some day come to a point that they don't even need Jesus. One of the scary thing we all need to understand is that we all have the potential to do any sin under the sun. And yes, if it's not the finished work of Christ, I wouldn't make it through.
Thank you for the comments and I am glad that it encouraged you.

Aida,
Isn't fellowship all about knowing that we are not alone in this journey and mutually encourage? My inspiration is Bible itself. I think Bible is brutally honest about the people God chose for His purposes. Their struggles are not hidden whether is lust, unbelief, confusion, doubt etc.

Thank you for the encouragement.

Leonard said...

Thanks for telling me.
Love ya Bro.

ps. I'm struggling to stay in the light, ya know, it's kinda scary to get naked but I had to do it to, or needed to, I feel now that I have little to hide but other things that I need to expose, when I'm ready I guess, to grow more.

Leonard